Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Eirey
So ive talked a bit about one of my crushes and i wanted to expand on it. Eirey and ive been friends since freshman year- we used to ride the bus to school together and we got along rly well. it was cool cuz he played hockey with me soph year so we got pretty close- we were some of the few sane people on the team. i started giving him rides to games and stuff and i started talking to him bout how he felt about friends and dates and stuff. he was always really cool about talking. we had a really long text conversation one day and i wound up telling him i was gay. he didnt really understand so i kept talking to him until it kinda set in. i still dont think he gets it- hed rather i just be one of the boys. when my teammate died we got really close- now for the emotional part. we both had a pretty rough day after it happened, but we were together. i talked to him nonstop for three or four days. but early on he kinda refused to cry- i could see the sadness and anger and every other emotion that comes after your best friend dies well up in him. i just stopped and gave him the most amazing hug. once i had my arms around him, he started crying softly. i could hear his heart beat slowly and his breathing shudder as tears streamed down his face. thats when i knew i wanted to never let go. it was a defining moment in my sexuality as well- i realized how much more satisfied i was with holding someone than being held. i wanted to be there and let him know that everything was going to be alright as long as my hands were firmly holding him close. weve always had a close relationship, but theres never been anything beyond friendship that i could grasp. ive always just wanted to be like... can i hug you one more time... or maybe a kiss?
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I have a friend just like this guy -- in face he is my best friend. I've been with him through every emotional turmoil in his life. I've spent many nights just being there with him when he has been dumped or worse.
ReplyDeleteYou're right about the niceness of holding. It is something that I've always valued. I've always believe in the power of holding people. I always try to hold my patients - even if only their hand. People need to feel the touch of other people and I think it is something we don't do enough of in this world. In fact, one of the only calls I am proud of had more to do with holding than anything else.
Innocence is accepting reality as it is, no preconceptions, no "shoulds". The moment you make a contact like that, be it a hug, a cuddle, or even just a smile, you're living in innocence (if only for a moment), and it's one of the most amazing things in the world.
ReplyDeleteEd- i completely agree. we need more holding in this world. people dont get that basic physical connection with others that we all crave.
ReplyDeleteaustin- you should really get a publishing deal- you write better poetry than anything ive read....
someday, if you remind me, ill tell you a story about holding my friend paul....
ReplyDelete- cheers.... david
M2 have you ever read Leo Buscaglia? He writes about the power of hugging.
ReplyDeleteI have a big problem with hugging, touching people in general, I'm not sure why,( I'm not a germaphobe so it's not that) my parents are great, but not very touchy feely, especially my dad. I think alot of people think I am very distant, and I am to a certain degree. I have a huge personal zone around me and it is tough for people to get into it, not sure what to do to open up more to body contact with people, I usually pull back when someone tries to hug me.... Something I need to work on.
ReplyDeletei havent read anything by him, ed, but i have done a lot of research into the free hugs campaign. and dave bhf- i think it just takes practice. people really like hugs, but hugs aren't absolutely necessary t make people happy. not mutually exclusive.
ReplyDeleteM2,
ReplyDeleteIt is a really good person who is there for a friend in the bad times and not just the good ones. Good for you. The fact that your friend felt comfortable enough around you to let down that last wall and let all those emotions pour out of him really says a lot about how he feels about your friendship. He is lucky to have you as a friend.
It is a great post but in the first sentence you say you are talking about crushes and there is a big difference between caring for a friend and having a crush on someone. Maybe you had a crush on him before the death of your friend but at that moment you were, and needed to be, in friend mode. The hard part (hehe) is knowing when it is more than a friendship and if moving from a hug to a kiss is appropriate. Just saying…
Peace,
SwimmerDude
i agree, sd. i was more thinking about my current status in terms of people im attracted to. anyone who knows me will tell you that im always in friend mode... unless you argue with me... then im in satan mode. theres something magical about being friends with someone you like- rly rly good friends. but like... theres more that you want to happen with someone thats attractive.
ReplyDeleteI have a few friendships with this level of connection, and one in particular that crosses that boundary between friendship and something more.
ReplyDeletePhysical intimacty like a hug is an interesting thing for me. On the one hand, when I like someone, be it a friend or a lover (haha, not that I have lovers), I crave physical closeness and am very comfortable being close to someone. But, not with all of my friends. And with people I don't really know well I get kind of awkward with hugs, I dunno. Maybe it's just weird for me though, since I've been told I give really good hugs.