i know ive let you guys down with my lack of blog posts. i'd like to apologize right now. but its time for sad mikey. ive gotten to the point where i think i need some sort of drugs just to keep me going from day to day. i feel like im constantly failing at everything i do. actually, i take it back- i AM failing at everything i do. friends. family. school. hockey. lets just say im on the last line for the third year in a row. ive ditched and been ditched by most of my friends. i'll never have a guy in a million years. i'm just so f'ing tired of this. im gonna talk to a therapist and get happy pills. i just cant go on with all my problems forever. its mikey- the human punching bag, the kid who cant shoot, the kid whos insecure, the faggot who cant get a guy, the actor who cant find the time in his jerking off schedule to act- except like a straight boy. thats all ive ever been, thats all ill ever become. its my destiny to make everyone feel better about their shitty lives. f me. f me hard.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
f me. ill just cry like the pussy i am. the usual mikey.
a nice grim comment question- what does being happy feel like? i honestly cant remember.
^^why god doesnt exist^^
im out. M2
yo man. u are not a failure. send me an email at bidudeny10@gmail.com and we'll chat man. I'm here for u man.
ReplyDeleteim here for you too....
ReplyDelete((((hugs))))
you are not a failure...
at least you can still play hockey....
if you think you need happy pills then get them...
works for me.... mostly....
you have youre health... thats something....
- cheers.... david
Mikey,
ReplyDeleteYou are just at a low point im your life. Youv'e complilled everything your bad at and used that as a shield against yourself since nothing 'good' is happening at this point of your life. Things will only get better!
Keep that head held high because you are not a pussy, and you know that. You know what, I actually just started taking those 'happy pills', ironically enough. I am a closeted 19 yr old in college and started seeing the counseling center at my school two weeks ago.
You know what, let the tears pour down your face. Someone crying doesnt mean weakness, it means they have been strong for too long.
This is not going to be an easy journey but you have to start loving yourself and building your self confidence for your friends, family, school and hockey work in sync.
Stay strong buddy. I know what you are going through...
Ouch :(
ReplyDeleteWell, been there, not much anyone can say that'll make it better. But, if you need us and want to talk, we're here - either IRL, video, text, whatever. Just let me know (I check email a lot).
Dude,
ReplyDeleteEveryone goes through these periods.I'm positive there are things you ARE good at, and maybe you should concentrate on those. Maybe you should find someone who is good shoter in hockey and have him help you and give you pointers , don't worry about not meeting someone, you are still young!! You'll find someone, just enjoy being young and the freedom not having a partner gives you to enjoy life. I know you are a good kid at heart and life will get better, doesn't to any good to feel sorry for yourself, you are in control of your life-get out there and take charge of it. Go Blackhawks!!
Mikey,
ReplyDeleteThis sounds familiar. Just remember that nothing lasts forever. Good or bad. In 9; shit- 8 short months, you'll be in college. College! The grass is greener on the other side. At least here it is. And you should have my e-mail; either my school or my personal e-mail, as well as my livejournal link in case you want to talk. Also, St. John's Wart is supposed to help with depression. You can pick it up at GNC or Target for that matter. I hope my advice helps and I hope that you start to feel better. My senior year, if you've read my journal, wasn't easy either. Good luck, bro.
Later,
Bullwinkle
Mikey,
ReplyDeleteThings can and will get better. High school is the low point in life for many gay men, and sometimes just surviving to finish is a victory. Life does get better after high school.
Dan Savage started a Youtube site www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject that lets people your age know that there are much better times later in your life. My husband informed me last night that we're making a clip and posting it there in the next week or so. Don't despair - as bleak as things look now, you have a good future in front of you. If you had told me when I was 17 that I would meet a great guy, marry him, adopt a son, and have a good career I wouldn't have believed you, but it all happened.
If you are down and want to talk just email me.
Dude, don’t beat yourself up. It’s ok to fail once in a while. Everybody does. Believe it or not you’ll come out of it a better guy.
ReplyDeleteBesides, everybody here just gave great advices cuz you’re a good guy n ppl really care about you n I don’t know about you but I think that counts a ton. See, you haven’t ditched us n we haven’t ditched you. Peace n Go Habs!
Don't be so hard on yourself kid. Listen first and foremost we're here for you, not the other way around. If you want/need time off from your blog take it. We read your blog because we care about you. So don't think you owe us anything by posting. I busted your balls last time about posting only because I wanted to hear how you're doing. Your blog should be used for you to get things off your chest. It should never feel like homework or a job, something you have to do. It should be a place where you can be you. We are all here for you Mikey our friendship comes without strings. If you want to post, post. If not, well we can go all fuck ourselves. Oh and for this bullshit you saying you're a failure. Come on bro don't beat yourself down. You're not a failure. And if I hear you talking about yourself like that again I may have to send Boogaard over there to slap some sense in you. No more hating on our favorite hockey player from Illy.
ReplyDeleteHey Mikey, I just wanted to add my thoughts to rest of those of the people above. You're a great guy and anyone that can't see that is more blind than the typical NHL ref.
ReplyDeleteI've been where you are at though. I think I cried most every day for the much of my early college career. This is a tough period in every guy's life - straight or gay. You spend your younger years thinking you can be successful at everything. Most people aren't but the trick is finding that thing you love that you excel at.
When I was young, I dreamed of being a cop. I had actually applied to be in the FBI but could never qualify because of my lousy vision. That is part of what made college awful. My dream job slipped away. I realize now that I would have made an awful cop. I liked the idea but my talents and personality don't fit. I did end up finding out though that I did belong in public safety but just in a different way. I love being in EMS and I'm good at it because it really fits who I am. You may just need to figure out what makes you happy and what you love to do.
As to a boyfriend, I am confident that he will come in time. Dating is tough at your age too. (I know it sucks.) A lot of guys are coming to terms with who they are what they are about. You're ahead of the curve when it comes to guys but they'll catch up soon enough and one will steal your heart.
As everyone else has said, know that everyone is hear for you and you're our friend. If you need us, we're there for you. You're part of our group, you mean a lot to us and we care.
Ed
Just a slight tangent on something Ed said. One of the worst positions to be in is the giant among pygmies: you get all the awareness of how much everything sucks and usually have limited (if any) power to change it. Worse, no one else usually even realizes that there are things they don't realize, so you can't even be ironic with them about it. You just have to bide your time until you can find the crowd where you fit.
ReplyDeletei just really hate the fact that guys seem really gay and even attracted to me, and they just seem so held back... it hurts. you watch them sit and fight with themselves. every guy who eyes me down and doesnt talk to girls is "straight". i just hate it. knowing i can make someone happy. thats what ultimately hurts.
ReplyDelete